I’ll be the first to tell you that learning how to date in your 30s is incredibly difficult. It’s an entirely different beast compared to the whirlwind romances of your 20s. By now, you’ve probably figured out who you are at your core, are well into your career, and have cool hobbies you care about. All of this self-actualization is empowering and fulfilling, but it doesn’t come without sacrifice.
Your 30s are a time of responsibility. You have a house or rent payment to make, you have other bills to pay, and you have to ensure you leave time at the end of each day for yourself. Dating isn’t carefree anymore because the stakes are higher. You have less free time to invest in your love life, more deal-breakers and non-negotiables for a partner, a smaller dating pool, and a nagging sense of urgency about finding love.
I spent my 30s building LUMA with no finance backing and navigating a serious relationship, so trust me when I say I understand how tumultuous dating in your 30s is. But all the challenges aside, dating after 30 can be rewarding if you play your cards right. Hopefully by your 30s, you know what you want and you’ve had enough life experience to know how to build a lasting relationship. In my guide, I’ll walk you through the biggest roadblocks you’ll face dating in your 30s, and give you some expert tips on how to find love in your busiest season of life.
Challenges of Dating in Your 30s
Unfortunately, there’s not one glaring issue that makes learning how to date in your 30s so hard. For most people, it’s a combination of internal and external issues that make it such an uphill battle to find a partner. Before I give you my best-kept tips on thriving in the dating scene in your 30s, we need to unpack the biggest problems 30-something face in finding love. To give you a hint, your mindset, discipline, and societal pressures are probably doing a number on your dating game.
Balancing Career and Personal Life
For most of us, our 30s are the decade of responsibility. By 30, you’re in the thick of building your career, whether that’s climbing the corporate ladder or running your own business. It’s exciting and deeply fulfilling to be at the peak of your career, but I know from personal experience that it’s also one of the most stressful, chaotic times of life.
Before I became a Matchmaker, I worked in corporate finance and process improvement, one of the most demanding industries in the world! Between late nights spent glaring at the blue light of my laptop, attending every networking event possible and being asked to do a “quick” weekend project twice a month, my personal and romantic life inevitably took a hit. There were entire months in my 30s when I didn’t have time to catch up with friends and family, let alone actively date!
So, what is a still-young, striving professional supposed to do: sacrifice their career, or sacrifice their love life? The best answer doesn’t actually require any immolation. You can maintain your career standing and have time to date, but you must set boundaries around your schedule.
Pressure to Settle Down
Anyone still single in their 30s can probably relate to this. Whether you’re a man, woman, or any gender in between, I bet you feel the intense pressure to find a partner, settle down, and start having babies. Trust me, you won’t find a bigger spokesperson for love, marriage, and family than me, but society’s expectations around these major, life-changing milestones is honestly doing more harm than good.
Your family means well, but I know that hearing, “so, when are you going to find a nice man/lady and give me grandbabies?” is more of a gut-punch than real motivation. Plus, receiving invitation after invitation for yet another wedding can make you feel like an outsider. All of these well-meaning, but poorly executed pressures only adds more stress and anxiety around dating, and at worst, make you settle for a partner who isn’t truly aligned with your values and lifestyle.
Here’s the thing no one talks about, though: the pressure to get married and have kids isn’t just an external one. I’ve had tons of clients fixate on their “biological clock” and worry they’ll run out of time to have children. I promise you that this mindset is not going to help you achieve your relationship and family goals. It’s more likely to ensure that you scare off all your dates instead of finding a lasting partnership!
Smaller Dating Pool
You know all those wedding invitations I mentioned? Not only is that creating more pressure to settle down, it’s also a harbinger of the shrinking dating pool. By your 30s, you’re probably seeing that most of your friends are already married or in long-term relationships. I’m sorry to say that it’s not all in your head; the dating pool really is getting smaller.
If you have healthy standards and boundaries, finding a great life partner just got a lot more difficult, especially if you’re in a rural area. I grew up in a small Midwestern town, but settled in Minneapolis for my career. Every single one of my friends back home chose to either relocate for love or marry someone from our small town they barely liked. It’s not that all the “good” ones are taken, because what you consider a good partner is entirely subjective. But, there are less singles on the market, making it trickier to find someone who shares your goals, values, and interests.
If you’re in a larger city, dating after 30 is slightly easier, simply because there’s a bigger population. Still yet, most of us have established friend groups and daily routines by 30, making it harder to meet new people. We’re creatures of comfort and habit, so why would anyone drive an extra 10 miles to try out a new bar or coffee shop when they know the one in their neighborhood has good brews? Finding potential partners after 30 becomes more of a task, and it requires breaking your routine and experimenting.
Everyone Has Baggage
I personally hate the word “baggage”. It’s outdated and even derogatory, yet, its negative connotation says a lot about how we view people. It’s said that no one’s a clean slate after 25, and I’d have to agree with that. The truth is that by your 30s, you’ve lived through formative life experiences: a traumatic breakup, death of a loved one, or losing your career. Collectively, we coin these experiences as “baggage”, but it’s not really fair to compare the weight that one carries to the burden of another.
Life’s traumas can be the most profound drivers of growth, self-expansion, and self-actualization, but they can also emotionally stunting and change us negatively. Truly, you either grow through it or become a worse version of yourself. The real issue is that some people will write you off before knowing which path you selected.
Being divorced before 30 can either mean that you learned from your mistakes and are going to make an amazing partner the second time around, or that you’re immature and not ready for commitment. Unfortunately, some people won’t give you the time of day to find out, but you weren’t meant for them anyway. You have to find a partner who’s empathetic, patient, and understanding, and that narrows down the dating pool even further.
Dating With Young Children
I really don’t want to frame this as if children are a burden, but I think we can all recognize that trying to find time to go on dates while still raising kids is a particularly delicate challenge. Even if your ex-partner stepped up and is an amazing co-parent, trying to juggle your career, your kids’ schedules, keeping the house clean, and everything else life demands can take up most of your time.
Don’t even get me started on the costs of childcare. Seriously, when a reputable babysitter is over $100 for one evening, it makes sense why so many singles parents avoid dating in their 30s. A fear years back, I had a client who waited an entire decade after her divorce to start dating again, even though she was emotionally ready long before she re-entered the dating scene. Her biggest hang-up? You guessed it: childcare.
There’s really no good solution to affordable, trustworthy childcare right now unless you have family who love children, but waiting years and years to re-enter the dating scene because of it isn’t fair to you! As a parent, of course your children should come first. That said, you are deserving of love right now, not just when it’s easier to find. If childcare is your biggest obstacle to finding a new relationship, there are workarounds like leveraging your friends and family, finding new childcare options a bit further away, and planning dates well in advance.
How to Start Dating in Your 30s
No one said that dating after 30 would be easy. What I can promise you is that learning the right way to date in your 30s is going to completely change your experience. So many of my past 30-something clients went about dating from the wrong mindset, and eventually got so burnt out of dating that they outsourced it to me. So much of what holds us back are the limitations we set for ourselves, and that applies to finding love, too. I’ll show you want preconceptions are preventing you from finding a partner, and unique methods to dating after 30!
Practice Mindful Dating
Every now and then, the kids give us a page to take from their book. As part of the “dating revolution” of the youth, singles in their late teens and 20s are becoming more intentional about who they date, and you should, too! In your 30s, dating with intention can save you from wasted time and more heartache. Simply put, mindful dating is focusing on compatibility instead of lust and attraction. It’s less about playing a numbers game or casting a wide net and more about going out with singles who align with your lifestyle. If you only apply one of these tips for dating after 30, be sure to make it this one!
Invest in Yourself First
I know this almost sounds like a cliche, but it’s especially true for learning how to date in your 30s. Before you start looking for a partner, really consider if you’re the best version of yourself. People don’t date based on potential; however you are right now will determine the caliber of partner you attract. If you’re emotionally immature, you’ll end up with someone with the same issues unless you better yourself. So take a self inventory of how you’re doing physically, emotionally, and mentally, and create a plan to level-up any areas you’re not confident in.
Reconsider Your Deal-Breakers
With the current dating trends and topics, I know this tip isn’t going to sit well with some people, but hear me out: finding a partner isn’t like buying a house. Although a list of deal-breakers and non-negotiables is important to have, you have to be flexible. You can have a rigid checklist for buying a house, but not for a real human being who’s as flawed as the rest of us. When your deal-breakers are too strict or picky, you’re losing opportunities for genuine connection. Ask yourself which traits are truly going to make you happy in the long run, and which ones are limiting your options.
Leverage Your Past and Learn From It
Like I mentioned, you can either see your past experiences as “baggage” or as opportunities for growth. If you want to attract the best possible partner, you have to do the hard thing: take your painful experiences, process them, and learn something from them. When it comes to your past relationships, write down what went right and what went wrong, and leverage this knowledge in your dating life. Make your past a catalyst to break out of self-defeating patterns and become a healthier, happier version of yourself. I promise that if you practice self-expansion, higher-quality singles will gravitate towards you.
Use Niche Dating Platforms, If Any
If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you’ve seen the science behind the negative affects of dating apps. I’m not going to rehash that here, so if you still choose to use online dating platforms, you need to think small. I know Famer’s Only is widely ridiculed, but there are more modern options! There are niche dating apps that are solely for Christians, Muslims, outdoor enthusiasts, and every other affiliation or hobby you can think of. This way, you already have one thing in common with every match. If you try it out and start feel burnt out or fatigued, please consider ditching dating apps altogether for your mental health.
Embrace Romantic Travel
I wonder how many romance novels have been written about a woman who’s swept off her feet by some handsome local she met on vacation. However, that’s not exactly what I’m referring to when I say “romantic travel”. Our routines can get in the way of finding love, so it’s time for a change in scenery. If your not finding compatible singles in your community, try visiting a new city for singles events or speed dating. Even something like try a new coffee shop across town will allow you to meet new people! Expanding your horizons and being willing to travel for love will drastically open your dating pool.
Date Outside Your “Type”
This ties in with my point of reconsidering your deal-breakers, but it’s to the opposite affect. As important as it is to shorten your list of deal-breakers, you should also increase the qualifications for what makes someone “your type”. For example, I once had a client who refused to date anyone who didn’t have blue eyes. This is a ridiculous standard that’s only holding you back from real connection. Dating after 30 means prioritizing compatibility over surface-level traits. Try focusing more on how your date makes you feel, how often they make you laugh, and how they align with your long-term goals.
Reconnect With Old Friends
I’ll be the first one to tell you not to use friendships solely for romantic connections, but this is a rare win-win: you get to revisit an old friendship and potentially find a great partner. Seriously, a friend of your friend is also your friend (and maybe more). Remember that friend you had in college that you secretly had a crush on? Reach out to them! Even if they aren’t single, they might know someone who is. Do you have a friend you were super close with, but somehow drifted apart from? Send them a message, invite them to grab a beer, and catch up. After a month or so of rekindling the friendship, ask them if they know anyone else who’s single.
Go For Personality, Not Looks
This one should go without saying, but unfortunately, I still have to mention it. Yes, physical attraction might spark a romantic interest, but it’s shared values, communication styles, and emotional compatibility make a relationship last. The next time you’re on a date, I want you to ask yourself this question: “would I still want to be with this person 10, 20, 30 years from now?”. If your answer is a resounding no, then you need to let your date down easy. Choosing a partner based on their inner self is profoundly more important than their physical attributes, and you’ll thank me later for taking this advice!
Don’t Settle, But Know When to Commit
Thanks to dating apps, a “grass is greener” mentality seems to permeate every aspect of the dating scene. I get that we all want the best possible partner to spend our lives with, but searching for a “perfect” partner is a serious pitfall. I’m not telling you to throw away your core values, but your Mr. or Ms. Right is definitely not going to be perfect. It’s crucial to recognize when you’re found someone worth seriously pursing instead of endlessly looking for something better. Lasting relationships are tough and require compromise, effort, and compassion, so don’t run at the first sign of trouble when you find someone you’re compatible with.
Why 30-Somethings Choose Matchmakers
A huge percentage of my clients are 30-somethings, so trust me when I say that I see first-hand just how difficult dating in your 30s really is. If the idea of doing it all on your own is overwhelming and you need a dedicated support system to help you every step of the way, a Matchmaker can help. By design, Matchmakers take the hassle out of dating by matching you with high-quality potential partners, and make your dating experience less confusing and frustrating with hands-on support and date coaching sessions. At LUMA, we have Matchmakers specifically trained to help 30-somethings find lasting love and committed partnerships. If you’re ready for dating to be easier and fun again, talk to us about our membership options.
