Before I dive into the biggest dating red flags, let me share my first encounter with what some would call a “walking red flag”. During my first week of college, I met a boy who completely swept me off my feet. He was charming, handsome, kind, oh, and did I mention handsome? Our chemistry was palpable, and I was smitten. Well, that is, until he cheated on me six months down the road. I share this probably all-too-relatable story with you as a plea to learn from my mistakes.
In the early stages of dating, it’s all too easy to overlook red flags and warning signs, especially when your connection is strong. That said, I’ve never known anyone who ignored a red flag and ended up happy in their relationship. Putting on rose-colored glasses when you look at your lover often leads to heartbreak, disappointment, and even toxic or abusive relationship dynamics.
Now, I’m sure this isn’t the first article you’ve read about red flags. This certainly isn’t a new concept. One hashtag search on Instagram and you’ll find millions of posts that introduce a new red flag to watch out for. There’s breadcrumbing, love bombing, emotional unavailability disguised as “chill” dating, and many, many more.
As a Matchmaker and dating coach with over two decades of experience, I’ve probably seen just about every green flag and red flag there is. I’ve worked with some of the most desirable singles in the world, and I’ve also had to turn down candidates because they simply had too many red flags. So, trust me when I say that I know a thing or two about dating red flags!
Really, red flags in dating are warning signs. Sometimes, they look like subtle inconsistencies, while others are unmistakable, outright deal breakers. Knowing how to spot red flags early into a relationship is going to save you so much time and stress, but more importantly, will help you keep your self-esteem and respect intact.
So, how can you tell if someone you’re dating is showing red flags? And when should you walk away? I’ll break down the most common red flags in dating, how to handle them, and what green flags to look for instead so that you can look for lasting love without rose-tinted glasses.
What Are Dating Red Flags?
In dating, red flags are harbingers to a difficult future. They’re indicators that something might be off about your love interest or the relationship dynamics you have. They can be subtle or obvious, but there’s one commonality: they show behavioral patterns that could lead to harm, manipulation, or incompatibility.
Here’s the part that most people get wrong: red flags are not synonymous with little quirks or differences! No one is perfect, and every relationship requires a bit of compromise and understanding. That said, dating red flags usually point to deeper, more concerning problems, like emotional unavailability, controlling behavior, dishonesty, or even abuse.
Red Flags Vs. Yellow Flags
Like I mentioned, not every concern in dating is an automatic deal breaker. Some actions or patterns fall into the “yellow flag” category, which are issues that raise concern, but aren’t necessarily toxic or harmful. Red flags are infinitely more serious and alarming, like your partner asking you to cut off communication with your friends and family. Yellow flags, on the other hand, are smaller issues like nervous habits or mismatched communication styles. In short, yellow flags don’t mean that you need to pack a bag and break up immediately, while red flags almost always do!
The Most Common Red Flags In Dating
Emotionally Checked Out of the Relationship
If your partner seems emotionally closed off or hesitant to open up on a deeper level, they might not be ready for a real, lasting relationship. If they always deflect personal questions or keep the conversation surface-level, they’re intentionally avoiding emotional intimacy. Does your partner dodge labels, say they’re “just seeing how things progress”, or spontaneously leave the room when you bring up exclusivity?
If they don’t want to define the relationship, they probably don’t see a serious future. I know how harsh that sounds, but it’s better to accept the truth now than 10 years down the road! Any healthy relationship requires two partners who are open about the emotions and willing to communicate their needs. If you notice this red flag, it’s time to part ways.
Inexcusable Communication Issues
Truly happy relationships are built on consistent, clear, and open communication. If your love interest frequently cancels plans, sends mixed signals, or disappears for days at a time, only to reappear with excuses, it’s a major red flag. Ghosting and breadcrumbing are rife in the dating scene right now, so it’s important to stay vigilant! Not only does this show a lack of respect for your time, it’s also deeply emotionally draining.
Seriously, it’s not worth it sitting up at night wondering when (or if) you’ll hear from them again. It’s better to end things now and seek a partner who communicates openly, consistently, and makes an effort to keep plans!
Controlling or Manipulative Behavior
Believe it or not, controlling behavior is one of the hardest red flags to spot early in a relationship. At first glance, controlling tendencies can seem like care or concern. Do they get upset when you hangout with your friends, or demand to track your location? This might feel like love, but it’s really a sign of unhealthy attachment.
Or, maybe they shower you with compliments and affection, making grand gestures and promising a future? This is usually a manipulation tactic to gain your trust and get you to let your guard down. Manipulation can also look like gaslighting, where they make you doubt your own reality. If you notice any of these signs, it’s past time to exit the relationship.
Steps Right Over Your Boundaries
Any healthy relationship requires mutual respect for personal boundaries. If your partner ignores or dismisses your boundaries, or tries to pressure you into things you’re uncomfortable with, it’s a serious red flag. If they push for intimacy, move too fast, or guilt-trip you into doing things before you’re ready, that’s a glaring sign of disrespect.
A more obvious sign of this is flat out ignoring the boundaries you’ve set. Maybe you asked for a day of self-care and space, but they showed up at your doorstep anyway, pretending it was some romantic gesture. This might seem cute, but I promise it’s a dangerous habit. You want to build a life with someone who respects your boundaries and never pushes you beyond what you’re comfortable with.
Deeply Mismatched Values
Physical attraction and raw chemistry can only take a relationship so far. This is the lesson I learned after my college boyfriend broke my heart. If you and your date have fundamentally different values or long-term goals, it’s a red flag for your future together. For example, if they’re against marriage, but marriage is deeply important to you, one of you is going to be deeply disappointed.
If you’re invested in your career, but they can’t hold down a job for more than a couple months, those differences will become major obstacles over time. To build a truly sustainable relationship, you need to be on the same page about goals, lifestyles, and values. If you feel completely unaligned with your partner, it’s better to say goodbye than live inauthentically.
Self-Destructive Habits and Self-Defeating Patterns
I always say that the best judge of someone’s character is in the way they treat others. If your love interest is the type of person who talks down to waitstaff or customer service reps, you can bet that they don’t have self control or strong morals. However, the way someone takes care of themselves reveals almost as much. Do they cycle through friends regularly, can’t hold down a job, and spend their paycheck as soon as it hits their bank account?
These are all reckless behaviors that are indicative of deeper, more insidious issues. I’m a believer in seeing the best in others and giving people the benefit of the doubt, but if you notice self-destructive patterns in your partner, start planning your exit immediately. These habits and behaviors are harbingers for how they will eventually treat you.
No Effort, No Initiative
I think we all know that any relationship should be a two-way street. There must be a fairly equal give and take between partners for either of them to feel respected and loved. If your partner is putting in the bare minimum, I’m sorry to say that you might not be high on their priority list. Do they never make an effort to reach out, plan dates, or check in? Or maybe they only text you in the small hours of the morning. Perhaps their lack of effort manifests as constantly choosing their friends or work over spending time with you.
This wishy-washy, hot-and-cold behavior is beyond disrespectful. No one treats those that they love like an afterthought. You want someone who’s committed to showing their love for you everyday, not just when it’s convenient for them! If your love interest isn’t putting in the work, it’s time to put yourself first and exit the relationship.
What To Do If You Notice These Dating Red Flags
Recognizing red flags is one thing, but knowing how to react is another story. It’s all too easy to brush off the warning signs, especially if you’re already head-over-heels invested in the relationship. That said, ignoring red flags isn’t going to make them disappear. The best thing you can do is to trust your instincts, address these issues directly, and set boundaries to protect yourself.
1 Trust Your Gut If Something Feels Off
Your intuition is one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal. If something just doesn’t feel right about your partner, but you can’t put your finger on why, please don’t ignore your instincts. Our subconscious picks up on subtle patterns and inconsistencies long before our conscious mind is able to process and interpret the full picture.
To connect your intuition with your conscious mind, start paying close attention to the relationship dynamics and your partner’s behavioral patterns. I usually advise against “keeping score” in a relationship, but now’s the time to keep a mental note of concerning actions and assess if there’s a pattern.
2. Communicate Concerns Early & Watch Their Response
Yes, you should trust your instincts, but it’s not wise to make assumptions or jump to conclusions yet. Before you start catastrophizing, have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and concerns. Sometimes, what appears like red flags are really misunderstandings or out-of-character actions. The best way to determine if their behavior is truly problematic is to watch how they react to your feelings. When you bring up your concerns, watch their response closely.
Do they listen, acknowledge your perspective, and seem willing to change? That’s a great sign that your relationship can be salvaged! On the other hand, if your partner brushes off your concerns and gets defensive, you can be fairly sure their red flag behavior truly is indicative of toxic patterns.
3. Set Boundaries & See If They Respect Them
Boundaries are the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If you’re still feeling anxious about your partner’s behavior, take a deep breath and take a few steps back from the relationship. Use their red flag patterns as guides for where a boundary is necessary. For example, if they’re self-destructive, a boundary might be asking for more personal space or to take the relationship at a slower pace.
Now, setting the boundary is important, but you also want to watch how they react to it. If your partner pushes back, blows you off, or ignores your boundary, they’re showing you who they are. Unfortunately, their true colors are glaring, brazenly red! You want a partner who will respect your boundaries, not walk all over them.
4. Know When To Walk Away
One of the biggest mistakes people make in dating is hoping someone will change if they just have enough time, love, or patience. Being in the dating industry for two decades, I’ve learned a few hard-and-fast truths about people. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, and if someone continuously disrespects you, they have no intention of stopping. It’s harsh, but it’s the truth.
If you feel more anxious and insecure than happy, if you’ve tried to communicate, but they aren’t listening, if you’re constantly left picking up the pieces, it’s time to walk away. You don’t need some giant reason to end a relationship; you should not wait for it to turn toxic or even abusive to leave. Now, having exhausted all reasonable efforts, it’s time to end things.
How a Matchmaker Can Help
Recognizing red flags is crucial, but let’s be honest: modern dating feels like a minefield. Between mixed signals, toxic behavior, and people who say one thing but do another, it’s easy to waste months (or even years!) on the wrong person before realizing they were never relationship-ready. That’s where working with a matchmaker can make all the difference.
A professional matchmaker won’t just introduce you to attractive, successful singles; we vet every potential match to ensure they’re emotionally available, aligned with your values, and genuinely seeking a serious relationship. We take the guesswork out of dating so that you don’t have to worry about someone’s intentions or red flags popping up down the line.
If you’re ready to find a relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and deep, lasting love, LUMA Matchmaking is ready to be your guide. We have a team of Celebrity Matchmakers, Christian Matchmakers, International Matchmakers, and more, ready to help you find true love no matter your preferences.
