Finding love is difficult for everyone, but dating in your 30s as a woman is incredibly nuanced, complex, and downright frustrating. It’s an entirely different experience than the easy, lighthearted romance of your 20s. You might think back fondly on wild college nights and meeting frat guys at your local bar, but in this season of life, dating looks a little more serious.
By now, you know who you are, what you want, and aren’t willing to settle for less. No longer will a haphazard, “Hey cutie, can I get your number?” make you smitten. You’re moving up the career ladder, investing in your career, and hopefully, have a few cool hobbies that you’re passionate about. All of this self-actualization is empowering and fulfilling, but it comes with the sacrifice of your youthful glory days and whirlwind romances. Your 30s are the season of responsibility.
You have a mortgage or rent payment to make, your utilities aren’t going to pay themselves, and you don’t have a magic house fairy who will do your laundry or sweep the floor. You’re on your own, and you might just now be realizing that your life is yours to make. Dating simply isn’t as carefree anymore because the consequences of choosing Mr. Wrong instead of Mr. Right are significant, especially if you want kids or are marriage-minded.
I spent my 30s building my Matchmaking service with absolutely no financial backing while juggling a long-term relationship and multiple passion projects on the side, so trust me when I say I understand how daunting dating in your 30s as a woman truly is.
One thing I learned as a 30-something was to not focus on the negative, so let me also say this: despite all of the challenges, dating in your 30s can still be deeply rewarding if you know how to play the game. I’ll share with you some of the biggest obstacles I faced dating in my 30s, and impart some hard-learned, expert wisdom on how to find love in this tumultuous season of life.
Challenges of Dating in Your 30s as a Woman
Urgency, Social Pressure, and Stigma
How can we talk about dating in your 30s as a woman without mentioning the “biological clock” narrative? Truth be told, I’ve never met a 30-something woman who didn’t feel both external and internal pressure to find a serious relationship quickly, especially if they want children.
That said, I’ve also never known a woman who bought into this narrative that ended up truly happy and fulfilled in the long run. More often than not, forgoing your standards, deal-breakers, and non-negotiables to settle down and have kids doesn’t lead to a happy marriage.
Even in our modern world, western culture still tells you that you’re a failure for not having had a family by 30. I’m sure you’re familiar with the unforgivably cruel “cat lady” and “spinster” labels assigned to unwed 30-something ladies. And if you’re in a smaller community, that stigma can be even worse.
In eastern culture, the term “leftover women” is applied to unmarried women in their 30s, further labeling them “too picky” and “past their prime”. I think we can all agree that this label is deeply harmful, oppressively pressuring, and making dating even more emotionally draining.
I know that society usually treats women’s 30s as a deadline for love and marriage, but seriously, please reconsider marrying that just okay guy who’s been hitting on you for years at the office. It’s past time for 30-something women to break the mold, erase these stereotypes, and stop caring what other people think.
Luckily, plenty of women are already ahead of the curve; more women are embracing dating on their own terms, rejecting outdated timelines for major life milestones, and pursuing their own happiness over meeting social norms.
Dating (or Being) a Single Parent
Being a single parent is hard enough already, but dating as a single mom? That’s difficult to the nth degree. Single mothers somehow juggle childcare, work, and maintaining a semblance of a personal life, all of which makes dating a logistical nightmare. Spontaneous dates and late nights out on the town are simply not feasible (and often not wanted)!
Not to mention the “other parent factor”, or the circus that is co-parenting. If you’re smart and lucky, the father of your children is a reasonable, even-keeled person who’s dedicated to their role as a parent. However, tons of ex partners make co-parenting a significant challenge. Even if your ex is wonderful with the kids, custody schedules, alimony, and child support can all make the situation more complex and drastically impact your ability to date.
Let’s say you don’t have a child yet. Well, it’s estimated that 72% of men have had a child by 40, so chances are that at least half of your dating pool will be single dads. It’s up to you to decide whether you’d like to date someone with kids, but realize that dating is going to be a lot harder if single dads aren’t your type.
Not everyone is open to dating a single parent, and that’s their prerogative. However, I urge you to flip the script and consider the stigma that single mothers feel in the dating scene and reconsider.
If you are open to dating men with kids, be ready for a wild ride blending families. Introducing a new partner into a child’s life takes time, care, and effort, and one misstep can brand you the evil stepmother for life. I’m not trying to scare you, but blending families really can go horribly wrong.
That said, while it definitely is going to take more effort, dating as a single mom or dating a single father can be deeply rewarding. It often leads to more intentional, mature relationships that are deeply rooted in shared values and long-term compatibility.
Online Dating & The Harm it Brings
If you’re a woman in her 30s that hasn’t downloaded at least one of the thousands of dating apps, you’re in the minority! Most women in their 30s have used dating apps and online dating sites for years, and by this point, are exhausted by the endless swiping, ghosting, and shallow connections. Dating apps are notorious for prioritizing quantity over quality, which means creating deep connections is often like finding a needle in a haystack.
Why? Well, to be blunt, it’s because most men on dating apps only want a hookup, regardless of what they say in the bio or messages. Many men on dating apps aren’t looking for serious relationships even if they think they are. Men have issues looking inward, and often fail to do the self-actualization required to know what their real relationship goals are. They might tell you they want marriage, but it could just be a lie they’re telling themselves.
Now, I don’t say that to attack men! There are plenty of great guys out there who know what they want, and women also struggle to be upfront about their intentions. However, as a dating coach, I can say that this issue is more prevalent in men, and causes deep frustration for the women they date. And really, who can blame anyone for not being able to commit when dating apps constantly explore you to highly curated profiles?
Seriously, one session of swiping on dating apps and you’ll find at least 10 heavily altered profile pictures. Not only does this make dating more difficult, it causes self-esteem issues. So, if dating apps are really that bad, what’s the solution? A more intentional approach. Many women in their 30s are deleting their online dating profiles, focusing on real-world connections, and choosing Matchmakers to help them find truly meaningful relationships.
The Baggage You (And Your Dates) Carry
I really do hate the term “baggage”. It implies that our past must weigh us down, and in order to fully heal, we must let go of our past selves. The truth is that by their 30s, most people have experienced heartbreak, toxic relationships, or big losses that influence how they approach the world and dating as a whole.
By this age, many women struggle with trust and vulnerability issues because of past relationships that ended badly. And really, can you blame anyone for being vigilant? However, most of us take this a step too far; we build walls too high for anyone to scale, limiting our potential for real connection.
Some of us tend to think of our past as “unfinished business”; maybe you just can’t wrap your head around why you and your ex split, still secretly stalking their Instagram, hoping that they’ll reach out for closure. Maybe you’re holding on deep pain from a divorce while trying to navigate shared custody with your ex. No matter the circumstances, our past relationships usually set the stage for our future ones unless we learn, heal, and truly move on.
If you aren’t already on a journey of personal growth, I strongly advise that you do some self-reflection. If you allow it to, your past will control your story. It will determine how you approach any relationship going forward. That is, if you allow it to. I help all of my clients work through their emotional wounds before introducing them to new matches because I deeply understand how impactful emotional baggage can be on relationships.
If you’re still reeling from a major breakup, divorce, or other significant loss, please consider therapy or date coaching. In the meantime, journaling, mindfulness exercises, and meditation can help prepare you for deep, introspective healing.
With that, please also remember that the right partner will be willing to acknowledge and work through challenges with you. They aren’t going to run at the first sign of trouble or at the first pink flag. Yes, self-growth is non-negotiable, but never let anyone convince you that you aren’t worthy exactly as you are.
Why 30-Something Single Ladies Choose Matchmakers
Unfortunately, people often assume that Matchmakers are solely for older singles looking for another shot at love. Contrary to that belief, many of my women clients are in their 30s! And really, this is my favorite age group to work with. Dating in your 30s as a woman is hard enough already, and outsourcing your search for love to a professional matchmaker can be one of the most freeing experiences.
My single, 30-something ladies are tired of the burn and churn cycle of dating apps, want to work through their emotional baggage with date coaching, and are ready to invest in finding a loving, committed partnership with someone who’s actually on the same page!
If you’re tired of navigating the dating scene on your own, Matchmaking could be the best decision you ever make for your love life. I deeply understand the social pressures around getting married and popping out babies as soon as possible; believe me, I experienced it, too!
That said, when you don’t have a team of professionals to guide you every step of the way, it’s all too easy to wind up settling instead of meeting someone truly compatible. At LUMA, we have LBGTQ Matchmakers, Christian Matchmakers, International Matchmakers, and more, so we’re confident that we can help you find your best possible partner, no matter your preferences. If you’re ready to revitalize your approach to dating and start meeting other attractive, successful singles, LUMA is ready to help you.
