Through my years as a Matchmaker, I’ve seen firsthand just how easy it is to get swept up in the whirlwind of a new romance. The butterflies, excitement, and endless possibilities are what make the early stages of love so beautiful.

It’s natural to be intoxicated by a new love, but it’s a slippery slope between healthy excitement and obsession. Love has a way of enchanting us, leading us to make judgment calls we normally wouldn’t. This beginning stage of love causes so many newly partnered people to over-invest in what could be instead of letting the relationship evolve naturally over time.

Recently, I had a client who was a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. He truly loved love and had no problem finding women who were interested in him, his problem was maintaining a relationship. He joined LUMA for my help in finding him a partner who was as invested in a relationship as he was, but I soon realized that his romantic issues were of his own doing.

He was charming and handsome, so he attracted tons of potential partners, but he was the type of guy who brings gifts to a first date. It’s a thoughtful gesture, but can be a little off-putting for new flames.

I had to work with him for months on re-establishing the balance between giving enough to a new romance, but not too much. I asked him to think of it like this: when you’re building a fire, you have to leave enough space in between the logs for oxygen to catch the flame. If not, you’re snuffing out the fire before it’s even had a chance to grow.

It finally clicked for him that his enthusiasm was too strong, and he started managing his expectations better in the early stages of dating. This mindset shift paid off for him, and he’s now married to a wonderful lady! Like I did for my previous client, I’ll share with you how to temper your investment in new relationships and protect your well-being in the early stages of dating.

1. Manage Your Expectations

When you meet someone you click with, sometimes you can’t help but start daydreaming about every possible scenario of how your love could grow. Your imagination runs wild picturing your future together, planning holidays, and even picking out your wedding theme! Unfortunately, this is doing you more harm than good. The unintended consequences of these daydreams are unrealistic expectations.

For example, let’s say you’ve been busy thinking about your dream proposal from your new love. Only one of these two outcomes are possible: either you tell your partner exactly how you want them to propose and ruin the surprise, or you say nothing of your ideals and when they do pop the question, reality doesn’t match your daydream. Both of these outcomes have one thing in common: disappointment.

Instead of projecting your daydreams and expectations on your partner, focus on the present. Don’t daydream about who they could be, figure out who they are! Take the time to truly get to know your love interest rather than projecting your dream man or woman onto them. Try playing the We’re Not Really Strangers card game with them to understand their personality, values, and goals on a deeper level. Of course, just remember that a relationship isn’t built in a day; a healthy partnership takes a lifetime to unfold.

2. Watch Out For Red Flags

Lust often creates a dizzy haze over our otherwise rational minds, which is a recipe for disaster. When you’re busy daydreaming about your new love interest, you’re only able to see them through rose-colored glasses. After all, why would anyone project negativity onto a new partner? In this fog of lust and desire, it’s easy to miss the warnings signs that your new partner might not be amazing after all. Despite your intense feelings of puppy love, you have to stay vigilant or you’ll miss critical insights on your partner’s true character and compatibility with you.

I know this seems so harsh given the euphoria of a new romance, but you have to shake off the haze of infatuation to see any potential red flags. If you aren’t paying attention, you could miss key signs that this person is toxic. Some of the easiest red flags to spot early into a relationship are inconsistent communication, disrespect towards other people, and controlling behavior. The best way to look for these red flags is to watch what they say versus what they do.

Does your new partner talk about being chivalrous, but treats other people poorly? Do they act like they have a big ego, but are constantly jealous? These are all red flags you could miss if you aren’t seeing the relationship from a realistic perspective. If you notice any of these signs, don’t brush them under the rug or hope that they’ll go away. Address your concerns to your partner, see how they respond, and then make the call on whether they’re still the right person for you.

3. Take Your Time With Intimacy

If we’re being honest, physical chemistry is the first sign we tend to pick up on with a potential partner. From the first time you meet someone, you know how physically attracted to them you are. We often know if we romantically desire someone before we know their first name. The lust we feel in the beginning of a relationship is admittedly difficult to ignore, but rushing into intimacy too early can cloud your judgement.

If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, your best approach is to slowly dip your feet into intimacy with them. If you get physical too early in the relationship, you can fall into the sunk-cost fallacy mindset. “I’ve already invested so much into this relationship, my partner might not be perfect, but I should stay anyway because I’ve given myself to them.” Even if you are intimate early on in your relationship, please don’t fall for that line of thinking!

Along those same lines, diving into emotional intimacy too soon in a relationship can have the same consequences. When we share intimate moments with someone too quickly, we can feel a false sense of closeness to them. In truth, closeness and connection are built over time, not through rushed intimacy. I know how tempting it is to dive in head first and rush these early stages of trust building and connection, but taking your time will help you know if your connection is real or not.

4. Maintain Your Individuality

This is by far the easiest way to over-invest in a new relationship. When we find a new partner, we want to get as close to them as quickly as possible. It’s natural, but incredibly unhealthy. You stop going to your regular workout class to spend more time with your love, or skip an important holiday party at work to attend theirs instead. These sacrifices seem endearing and sweet from the surface, but it will eat away at your identity over time.

Really, no matter what stage your relationship is in, it’s essential for your mental health and well-being to nurture your friendships, family ties, hobbies, and career. Don’t quit your kickboxing class so that you have more time with your partner.

Don’t stop having dinner with your parents once a month so you can visit your in-laws. Don’t drop shop in your own life and set up in your partners’! Investing equally between your romantic relationship and other areas of your life keeps you grounded and simultaneously makes you a more attractive partner. It shows that you’re a whole person with a fulfilling life outside of romance, and that trait is universally attractive.

Here’s the real reason you should nurture the other facets of your life: you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket. If you and your partner separate, will you have a support system of family and friends you can lean on? Will you have a stable career you can rely on for financial security? Will you still have a separate personality with your own interests outside your now-dissolved relationship? I know that it’s gloomy to focus on what happens if your romance doesn’t work out, but you have to think like that to protect yourself in case the worse does happen.

5. Keep Financial Investments to a Minimum

This point ties into the story about my recent client, but it’s worth touching on in greater detail. I am admittedly a huge proponent of generosity; trust me, the last thing you want your date to think is that you’re cheap. But there’s a fine line between healthy generosity and egregious financial over-investments. Extravagant spending early on in a relationship can actually make you look desperate and clingy instead of self-assured and financially stable.

Working in the luxury dating industry, I have many more stories I could share about clients who financially over-invested in their relationships. I won’t go into the details, but I had another client many years ago who suggested a week long vacation on their yacht in Italy as a first date with their match.  Needless to say that their match felt uncomfortable and declined their invitation. Not only do outrageous financial investments like this set a precedent that’s difficult to maintain, but it can make your partner feel like trophy rather than an equal.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go out for a nice, upscale dinner for a first date! What I mean is that you should focus more on getting to know your partner before you spend thousands of dollars on trips, designer bags, or cars for them. In all honesty, these lavish gifts can feel a little empty and thoughtless if given too soon, so it’s better to stick with more intentional, thoughtful gifts like flowers that show you care without being over the top.

Final Thoughts

I know that tempering your emotions and expectations about a new flame is easier said than done, but the reward is a long-term, happy relationship. If you manage your assumptions about your partner, you’ll learn more about who they actually are instead of only seeing who you want them to be. Having realistic expectations will create a foundation of trust, love, and authenticity for your relationship.

Remember, love should be one aspect of your life, not your entire story! Keep investing in yourself and your other connections, and trust that the right relationship will thrive without you needing to drop everything for it.